For the last week I have barely left the house. My days have been spent watching TV, surfing the Internet, and playing GTAIV. My only thoughts of school-related things were of my grades, which turned out about like I expected. Books to read have been put aside as has writing of any kind while my brain was allowed to do what it could not do in any way during school. That is to say, I shut down. I feel a bit sleepy still and my body is a bit stiff from the lack of movement, but no longer do I feel like my hair is about to fall out like a chinchilla's.
I like these times though. I wake up whenever I want, do most anything during the day, then go to sleep when I just start to be tired. I could never live like this all the time, but for a week or two at a time I could certainly get into it. A life of mindless enjoyment in which the days flow without any concern is a good life. While a bit of wine would make the entire experience much more enjoyable.
The party, or lack there of, is going to be over starting tomorrow though. The next few weeks are going to be busy getting ready to go out to LA, reading up on a few books I don't want to take with me out there, and taking care of a few loose ends that need to be tied when I get back from LA.
As the laundry list of things to do starts to be made again I may not feel excited about it at first, but that is because it is hard to start moving again sometimes. It hurts to get going again. Being out of breath is no fun, but soon you don't need as many breaths. While you may have to stop eventually for a while it gets to the point where running feels goods. And thankfully this summer will only be a bit of a jog.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Thursday, April 3, 2008
I was once (and only once) the coolest 5th grader
The stormy weather tonight got me to thinking about ghosts, and I can't help but to think of the first time I ever held an entire room of strangers captive by a story.
Now this isn't the first time this sort of thing was allowed to happen. When I was a small child my older siblings would let me tell them stories during the commercials of Letterman (back when he was on NBC). These stories have all been lost to the abyss of time, but I am sure they were funny and full of adventure, suspense, and sex. At any rate, my brother and sister loved them. I never ran out either. Since then standing in front of people and talking has been something I have always enjoyed, as long as I am not acting.
The strange thing is that no one in public really seemed to find my stories that interesting. This blew my mind for many years, but in 5th grade something happen. I was at this nerdy Saturday school thing at a local college when the subject of ghosts came up with my lab partners. As we cut and glued balsa wood for our model rockets my new friends were having a proper and civilized chat on the realities of poltergeists. Having no experience with such things I began to tell them about the time I moved into a house haunted by one.
"I had the room up in the attic. I chose this one not because it was biggest (it was actually probably smaller than my little sister's) nor for the ease in getting in it (the stairs were really narrow and we could barely get my bed up them), but for the awesome stained glass windows on even point of the compass."
I had no idea where I was going with this. I had just started talking, but they had stopped what they were discussing and listening to me.
"The house was pretty old, but not like civil war old or something just pre-WWII old, you know, so it had some problems, but nothing that didn't seem fixable. I made sure that my room was very well insulated before we put up some good walls and posters, but then something started happening."
At this point I knew they couldn't believe me. They even said so, "Wow, what are you going to tell us the attic was haunted or something? Ha!"
"No, it was the whole house. Sometimes we would find whole drawers in the kitchen switched around and can labels were always wrong... unless we thought they were wrong."
"But then stuff started happening that was even more strange. At one point my sister woke up and felt like her room was too small. My parents even woke up and felt like someone had been watching them. I on the other hand knew when we finally had to leave."
Oh boy, did I have them.
"One night I was about to go to sleep, but as I started to go up to my room the mattress stated sliding down the stairs. I tried pushing it back up, but it wouldn't budge. I even got my dad to help, but no dice. the matress just wouldn't budge. Finally I just walk up to get some rest on the floor, but suddenly the mattress slides back up the stairs with that loud fabric rubbing sound. I saw it but I just though that my dad with my mom got it up th stairs, but hafter a few minutes the mattress just sort of goes back down. At this point I realized that my parents were no where near my room."
"I started to scream but couldn't. I was held back by some cold force. I was soon able to escape but not before watching an old man go to each of my colored windows and touching them. I was not sure what he was doing, but by the time I was freed it was morning and the light reveled that there were only clear pains of glass!"
They were so into it, "What happen?" I was just spouting things off of my head.
"Well my parents were mad at me at first, but then then even when I got sent to my room some strange stuff started happening around the rest of the house. It was pretty scary, but apparently stuff was flying around and hitting them in the head and stuff."
"We had to move out the very next day. Man, I miss that room."
By the time I was done with this story these dorks were entranced. I don't know why they believed me, but for some reason they felt I was an authority on this. Most of their questions were answered with an "I don't know," but only because they didn't jive with my story. By the end of class I didn't just have a story I had a continuity, full of interesting insights into a life I most certainly did not have.
Since then I often try to repeat this with varying degrees of success. I find the truth works better now, but often times there are little things you can do to tweak the truth and make it more interesting. In doing this the story becomes less of a "here's what happen" kind of thing to more of a "this one time" kind of thing.
And, of course, repeat stories are only for reruns and new friends.
Now this isn't the first time this sort of thing was allowed to happen. When I was a small child my older siblings would let me tell them stories during the commercials of Letterman (back when he was on NBC). These stories have all been lost to the abyss of time, but I am sure they were funny and full of adventure, suspense, and sex. At any rate, my brother and sister loved them. I never ran out either. Since then standing in front of people and talking has been something I have always enjoyed, as long as I am not acting.
The strange thing is that no one in public really seemed to find my stories that interesting. This blew my mind for many years, but in 5th grade something happen. I was at this nerdy Saturday school thing at a local college when the subject of ghosts came up with my lab partners. As we cut and glued balsa wood for our model rockets my new friends were having a proper and civilized chat on the realities of poltergeists. Having no experience with such things I began to tell them about the time I moved into a house haunted by one.
"I had the room up in the attic. I chose this one not because it was biggest (it was actually probably smaller than my little sister's) nor for the ease in getting in it (the stairs were really narrow and we could barely get my bed up them), but for the awesome stained glass windows on even point of the compass."
I had no idea where I was going with this. I had just started talking, but they had stopped what they were discussing and listening to me.
"The house was pretty old, but not like civil war old or something just pre-WWII old, you know, so it had some problems, but nothing that didn't seem fixable. I made sure that my room was very well insulated before we put up some good walls and posters, but then something started happening."
At this point I knew they couldn't believe me. They even said so, "Wow, what are you going to tell us the attic was haunted or something? Ha!"
"No, it was the whole house. Sometimes we would find whole drawers in the kitchen switched around and can labels were always wrong... unless we thought they were wrong."
"But then stuff started happening that was even more strange. At one point my sister woke up and felt like her room was too small. My parents even woke up and felt like someone had been watching them. I on the other hand knew when we finally had to leave."
Oh boy, did I have them.
"One night I was about to go to sleep, but as I started to go up to my room the mattress stated sliding down the stairs. I tried pushing it back up, but it wouldn't budge. I even got my dad to help, but no dice. the matress just wouldn't budge. Finally I just walk up to get some rest on the floor, but suddenly the mattress slides back up the stairs with that loud fabric rubbing sound. I saw it but I just though that my dad with my mom got it up th stairs, but hafter a few minutes the mattress just sort of goes back down. At this point I realized that my parents were no where near my room."
"I started to scream but couldn't. I was held back by some cold force. I was soon able to escape but not before watching an old man go to each of my colored windows and touching them. I was not sure what he was doing, but by the time I was freed it was morning and the light reveled that there were only clear pains of glass!"
They were so into it, "What happen?" I was just spouting things off of my head.
"Well my parents were mad at me at first, but then then even when I got sent to my room some strange stuff started happening around the rest of the house. It was pretty scary, but apparently stuff was flying around and hitting them in the head and stuff."
"We had to move out the very next day. Man, I miss that room."
By the time I was done with this story these dorks were entranced. I don't know why they believed me, but for some reason they felt I was an authority on this. Most of their questions were answered with an "I don't know," but only because they didn't jive with my story. By the end of class I didn't just have a story I had a continuity, full of interesting insights into a life I most certainly did not have.
Since then I often try to repeat this with varying degrees of success. I find the truth works better now, but often times there are little things you can do to tweak the truth and make it more interesting. In doing this the story becomes less of a "here's what happen" kind of thing to more of a "this one time" kind of thing.
And, of course, repeat stories are only for reruns and new friends.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
How to Start Your Own State!
If there is one thing I have always wanted to do, it is this. This is probably one of the biggest reasons I am an International Studies major. Of course, that last statement assumes that I actually ever intended on being an IS major so much as I just stumbled into it thanks to my ability to find lines of study that will only ever pay off if I can write a commercially successful book that provides the answer to a question that we always felt like we should be asking but never got around to.
This dream of mine, I never really saw it as being possible until because of the Republic of China. Damn you, Nixon. But now that Kosovo is trying to break free I feel like I have hope for this again.
I have always thought that I could win the hearts and minds of some Pacific island's people with my charm and oh-so-European and pointy nose. From there we would simply have to become self-sufficient for a period of a few years while I was able to bring in foreign investors looking for a place to set up production. Never would these firms be given permit to run sweatshops or anything, but our GDP per capita would be impressive. After this success I would gain access to the UN where the G-77 would see me and my nation as the leader needed to restore the GA to its place as a world government over the Security Council. Before long my nation would be see as a shining light of prosperity and hope in a cold, cruel world.
Needless to say I would be a beloved dictator.
This dream of mine, I never really saw it as being possible until because of the Republic of China. Damn you, Nixon. But now that Kosovo is trying to break free I feel like I have hope for this again.
I have always thought that I could win the hearts and minds of some Pacific island's people with my charm and oh-so-European and pointy nose. From there we would simply have to become self-sufficient for a period of a few years while I was able to bring in foreign investors looking for a place to set up production. Never would these firms be given permit to run sweatshops or anything, but our GDP per capita would be impressive. After this success I would gain access to the UN where the G-77 would see me and my nation as the leader needed to restore the GA to its place as a world government over the Security Council. Before long my nation would be see as a shining light of prosperity and hope in a cold, cruel world.
Needless to say I would be a beloved dictator.
Porn and the Image
While I will have a more formal write up on my thesis blog soon enough about this hopefully, these thoughts are more personal than will go there.
I don't really look at porn. Honestly, I would feel guilty doing so while I have a pretty wonderful girlfriend who only has eyes for me, but there are other things about porn that I just find so unappealing that looking at it can be a turnoff.
Now when I say porn, I am talking about Internet porn. I have only ever looked at a few Playboy mags ever (and they were all my girlfriend's). Porn to me is what you find on the Internet by looking at the dirty page of fark.com or googling the terms "nude girl" plus whatever trait you might be feeling into at that particular moment. This should give you plenty of sites that are just junk because they are either pay-sites or portals trying to get you to go to pay-sites. And as we all know the only pay-site that anyone is probably willing to admit actually purchasing access to and not regretting is Suicide Girls. Of course, the only reason that anyone does that is because it is the equivalent to getting a Playboy back in the day "for the articles."
Anyway, when I see porn my mind goes through the same thought process every time. This is simply because all porn ends up looking the same to me.
1) Is this girl attractive? I have to ask myself this because I cannot help but to simply be entertained by the fact that there is a woman, nude, sitting in some odd position with her clothing (if any) removed to cover her stomach's creases as she sits awkwardly looking at (or away from) the camera. To me, while I enjoy nude girls, this stance always strikes me as overly staged. Either it is meant to be done in a less than tasteful pin-up style or the girl is trying to show as much of her nudity as possible in one oddly angled shot. Once I get past this there is still the hair and make-up and photographic effects that I have to see through before I can even answer my question.
I feel like this in real life sometimes too. For most people determining attractiveness is like finding a ripe melon. We all have that idea that we should tap on the melon to listen for that hollow sound, but does anyone ever hear anything but that sound? This rule of thumb seems pretty useless to me, but we all follow it. My thumping measure for people to imagine them as if we were serfs in Europe in the Middle Ages. This way we are all kind of dirty with our hair a mess and all the make-up and push-up bras are being used to burn the witches. The only thing that people take from this world is their weight and fitness. These are things that I cannot get rid despite the fact that in the Middle Ages we would all be much skinnier (and shorter). At this point I think, "Okay, this is natural beauty, whadaya think?" More often then not with this game I find most people good looking enough, even if they do not match my personal standards.
I cannot do this with porn though. The package that porn is presented in is too static for me to do this. So I end up with only my personal standards of what I enjoy in physical appearance. This immediately fills me with rage at my callowness when shown this sort of thing. So I am pushed on to my next thought.
2) Would I like to have sex with this person? I tend to think no, but how can I be sure. My first question is needed to have a sound answer to this one so I am just lost before I move on to my third question.
3) Would a feminist like this? The answer is usually no in the most strict sense, but I tend to think there are shades of gray in this. What about this is anti-feminist? Pubic hair? Weight? Any Plastic Surgery? Photoshop? Pose? I tend to not worry about the whole objectification of women thing. I feel bad when I accidentally do this for the first split-second I see a girl in real life and I typically avoid that line of though unless I am people watching, in which case I am evaluating the attractiveness of boys as well (because such games are fun in malls). Eventually, my moral code is placated by simply thinking about this and all the social and psychological effects this sort of thing has on our culture.
But the only reason all of this really comes up is because I have been thinking about why I could never really like porn movies or even any kind of porn beyond just a picture of a nude girl. It is because she as a girl, nude, smiling at the camera is an image that has no tarnish with all the stickiness that is sex. There is only the fresh smell that people only have before sex. There is no awkward foreplay, no post-coital dismount to worry about doing gracefully, not even the need to make sure that the blankets are pulled up properly so no one gets cold. All that is in the photo is just a girl with a promise for idealized sex.
To me this kind of idealizing is a mental pitfall. It allows us to become all to enamored with something that doesn't really exist. I see this in my desire to be like Marty McFly or Brodie Bruce. These guys are not the best at anything, but they have a wit and happiness with life that I aspire to. I tend to see this as being a good thing to want, but in my darker hours I wonder. I compare what I have to what that idealized version is and see my life as imperfect compared to it. Often it takes a large amount of effort on my part to remind myself that the parts of those guys' lives I get to see is framed to seem like their whole life is awesome. Rationally, I know that Brodie will always have fights with his girlfriend and will probably eventually have to spend a few stressful days at work. These are not the first thoughts I have of him though. To me he will always be the jobless slacker who has a hawt girlfriend and a collection of comics that is so perfect he won't even let his best friend read them. I am sure that this idealized view of life is a part of the way I see the world, but at least I am aware of it. What about the rest of the world that shares in my idealized idols but does not see what I do? Are they more or less prone to the same bouts of worry I feel from time to time?
I don't really look at porn. Honestly, I would feel guilty doing so while I have a pretty wonderful girlfriend who only has eyes for me, but there are other things about porn that I just find so unappealing that looking at it can be a turnoff.
Now when I say porn, I am talking about Internet porn. I have only ever looked at a few Playboy mags ever (and they were all my girlfriend's). Porn to me is what you find on the Internet by looking at the dirty page of fark.com or googling the terms "nude girl" plus whatever trait you might be feeling into at that particular moment. This should give you plenty of sites that are just junk because they are either pay-sites or portals trying to get you to go to pay-sites. And as we all know the only pay-site that anyone is probably willing to admit actually purchasing access to and not regretting is Suicide Girls. Of course, the only reason that anyone does that is because it is the equivalent to getting a Playboy back in the day "for the articles."
Anyway, when I see porn my mind goes through the same thought process every time. This is simply because all porn ends up looking the same to me.
1) Is this girl attractive? I have to ask myself this because I cannot help but to simply be entertained by the fact that there is a woman, nude, sitting in some odd position with her clothing (if any) removed to cover her stomach's creases as she sits awkwardly looking at (or away from) the camera. To me, while I enjoy nude girls, this stance always strikes me as overly staged. Either it is meant to be done in a less than tasteful pin-up style or the girl is trying to show as much of her nudity as possible in one oddly angled shot. Once I get past this there is still the hair and make-up and photographic effects that I have to see through before I can even answer my question.
I feel like this in real life sometimes too. For most people determining attractiveness is like finding a ripe melon. We all have that idea that we should tap on the melon to listen for that hollow sound, but does anyone ever hear anything but that sound? This rule of thumb seems pretty useless to me, but we all follow it. My thumping measure for people to imagine them as if we were serfs in Europe in the Middle Ages. This way we are all kind of dirty with our hair a mess and all the make-up and push-up bras are being used to burn the witches. The only thing that people take from this world is their weight and fitness. These are things that I cannot get rid despite the fact that in the Middle Ages we would all be much skinnier (and shorter). At this point I think, "Okay, this is natural beauty, whadaya think?" More often then not with this game I find most people good looking enough, even if they do not match my personal standards.
I cannot do this with porn though. The package that porn is presented in is too static for me to do this. So I end up with only my personal standards of what I enjoy in physical appearance. This immediately fills me with rage at my callowness when shown this sort of thing. So I am pushed on to my next thought.
2) Would I like to have sex with this person? I tend to think no, but how can I be sure. My first question is needed to have a sound answer to this one so I am just lost before I move on to my third question.
3) Would a feminist like this? The answer is usually no in the most strict sense, but I tend to think there are shades of gray in this. What about this is anti-feminist? Pubic hair? Weight? Any Plastic Surgery? Photoshop? Pose? I tend to not worry about the whole objectification of women thing. I feel bad when I accidentally do this for the first split-second I see a girl in real life and I typically avoid that line of though unless I am people watching, in which case I am evaluating the attractiveness of boys as well (because such games are fun in malls). Eventually, my moral code is placated by simply thinking about this and all the social and psychological effects this sort of thing has on our culture.
But the only reason all of this really comes up is because I have been thinking about why I could never really like porn movies or even any kind of porn beyond just a picture of a nude girl. It is because she as a girl, nude, smiling at the camera is an image that has no tarnish with all the stickiness that is sex. There is only the fresh smell that people only have before sex. There is no awkward foreplay, no post-coital dismount to worry about doing gracefully, not even the need to make sure that the blankets are pulled up properly so no one gets cold. All that is in the photo is just a girl with a promise for idealized sex.
To me this kind of idealizing is a mental pitfall. It allows us to become all to enamored with something that doesn't really exist. I see this in my desire to be like Marty McFly or Brodie Bruce. These guys are not the best at anything, but they have a wit and happiness with life that I aspire to. I tend to see this as being a good thing to want, but in my darker hours I wonder. I compare what I have to what that idealized version is and see my life as imperfect compared to it. Often it takes a large amount of effort on my part to remind myself that the parts of those guys' lives I get to see is framed to seem like their whole life is awesome. Rationally, I know that Brodie will always have fights with his girlfriend and will probably eventually have to spend a few stressful days at work. These are not the first thoughts I have of him though. To me he will always be the jobless slacker who has a hawt girlfriend and a collection of comics that is so perfect he won't even let his best friend read them. I am sure that this idealized view of life is a part of the way I see the world, but at least I am aware of it. What about the rest of the world that shares in my idealized idols but does not see what I do? Are they more or less prone to the same bouts of worry I feel from time to time?
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
School's about to start
The night before class begins always gets me feeling anxious. While I can tell myself it is good to start back, get back into a grove, be productive; I know doing so is nothing I really look forward to doing.
I do school because of what I get out of it. Not for its own sake. Don't get me wrong, I love education and learning. I would much rather have a way of learning that was a bit less stressful though. I do this sort of thing though because of what I will get out of it. So in order for me to get ready for school here is a list of what I plan on getting out of this semester:
-A clear focus on my Honors thesis. By the time May is here I will have read at least a dozen more books and have a sense of what connects all of these stray thoughts that I have with the rest of what is cool
-One major down. I will be done with both Spanish and Political Science classes. w00t... (word of last year)
-More economic ideas. I am taking to economics classes that will hopefully be better than the class I had last semester. I don't want to feel like going to BBA will cause my brain to melt this semester.
-The proof I am not a lazy person. I feel now more than ever that I am often lazy and spend too much time just doing things to enjoy myself (sloth and gluttony). 21 hours should do that...
While I am sure there are more things I want from this semester these are the biggest ones. Now I can only sit back and enjoy the whiteness of my to do board before it is filled with lists of books to read, papers to write, and anything else that is going to come up this semester.
I do school because of what I get out of it. Not for its own sake. Don't get me wrong, I love education and learning. I would much rather have a way of learning that was a bit less stressful though. I do this sort of thing though because of what I will get out of it. So in order for me to get ready for school here is a list of what I plan on getting out of this semester:
-A clear focus on my Honors thesis. By the time May is here I will have read at least a dozen more books and have a sense of what connects all of these stray thoughts that I have with the rest of what is cool
-One major down. I will be done with both Spanish and Political Science classes. w00t... (word of last year)
-More economic ideas. I am taking to economics classes that will hopefully be better than the class I had last semester. I don't want to feel like going to BBA will cause my brain to melt this semester.
-The proof I am not a lazy person. I feel now more than ever that I am often lazy and spend too much time just doing things to enjoy myself (sloth and gluttony). 21 hours should do that...
While I am sure there are more things I want from this semester these are the biggest ones. Now I can only sit back and enjoy the whiteness of my to do board before it is filled with lists of books to read, papers to write, and anything else that is going to come up this semester.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Now that we've taken care of that...
I am done with school finally, but not done with work. I still have to write a paper comparing something with the Baltics. I don't know what I will be writing on, but I need to get it done in the next few days.
I also have to work on my thesis. There are at least three books I want to read before the break is over. Hopefully, I won't be lazy and actually read them.
This blag should update more often now that I am not actually having to read almost 20 kids work every other night.
I also have to work on my thesis. There are at least three books I want to read before the break is over. Hopefully, I won't be lazy and actually read them.
This blag should update more often now that I am not actually having to read almost 20 kids work every other night.
Monday, September 24, 2007
My Phone
A few months ago I came into a Blackberry 8800. It is a nice smart phone with push mail and a decent calendar. It also has a GPS which I can use with Google Maps and a web browser that allows me handy access to the Internet. I am rarely without my phone. As my contact with the world and my nanny (that great calendar) I would be lost without it.
That said, I am not sure if I would like another smart phone again any time soon. There are many times I find myself wanting to create a .doc file or see a web site in flash. I know there is at least a program for me to have a BB version of Word, but is it worth the money when I would only use it every so often?
Because I have it I plan to use it to the best of its abilities, but I am already dreaming of my next technological step. I know this is the pitfall of a geeky guy, but hear me out. I think I would like a laptop that I could carry with me everywhere I go. Right now I have a nice 17' PowerBook G4, this is an awesome computer and I plan to make it work for me for the next several years. I don't run anything too fancy just Firefox and NeoOffice mostly, along with iTunes when I am not needing some quite, but I would like a smaller notebook that could go every where with me. Those MacBooks are looking really nice...
Now this might be the pipe dream but it is what I want. I would like a phone then with at least a 3G connection (none of this EDGE I have right now) and the ability to connect to my computer as a sort of modem. That way I can always be sure to connect my computer to the World even without a hotspot.
Until then my Blackberry and I will honor each other. We still have over a year and a half before we are done with each other.
That said, I am not sure if I would like another smart phone again any time soon. There are many times I find myself wanting to create a .doc file or see a web site in flash. I know there is at least a program for me to have a BB version of Word, but is it worth the money when I would only use it every so often?
Because I have it I plan to use it to the best of its abilities, but I am already dreaming of my next technological step. I know this is the pitfall of a geeky guy, but hear me out. I think I would like a laptop that I could carry with me everywhere I go. Right now I have a nice 17' PowerBook G4, this is an awesome computer and I plan to make it work for me for the next several years. I don't run anything too fancy just Firefox and NeoOffice mostly, along with iTunes when I am not needing some quite, but I would like a smaller notebook that could go every where with me. Those MacBooks are looking really nice...
Now this might be the pipe dream but it is what I want. I would like a phone then with at least a 3G connection (none of this EDGE I have right now) and the ability to connect to my computer as a sort of modem. That way I can always be sure to connect my computer to the World even without a hotspot.
Until then my Blackberry and I will honor each other. We still have over a year and a half before we are done with each other.
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